The "Me Too" hashtag (#MeToo) campaign that has flooded social media lately as a result of the Harvey Weinstein scandal actually started over 10 years ago and has pretty much lain dormant until very recently.
Unfortunately, activists have jumped on the bandwagon along with real people who have been subjected to unimaginable scenarios of sexual harassment. Many of them, including me, have managed to push those memories way way down to our "mind cellars" to hide behind things we aspire to forget. I am not an activist or feminist. I am just an almost 60 year old woman who is ready to share an experience from over 30 years ago. I have not shared this with but a handful of people, I hope you will not judge me negatively.
The time frame was mid-1984 through late 1985 in Southern California where I grew up. It was a very long 15 month period in my life. I was already a mother of two young sons, divorced from their father and remarried to my second husband. I had a great job as a contractor to our local IBM and worked in software quality assurance testing at a junior level with a senior level person as my mentor. My days were challenging enough as a mom sharing custody of my kids, working full time learning a new job, and attempting to run a new household.
My nightmare began one day when I arrived at work, walked into the office I shared with my mentor, and was shoved against the wall by his much larger body. He joked and said "you know you want it" and I pushed him off of me, trembling all the way to my desk. He acted like it was a non-issue and we went about our day of tasks.
About a week went by and we were driving from our office to IBM in my car when he grabbed my right hand and put it onto his crotch. I pulled it away, completely repulsed, and told him that it was VERY wrong, and to never do that again. I was terrified and confused. When we arrived back at our office, we walked by the front receptionist whom he greeted with a big smile and acted like nothing was wrong; this person was his wife. Her desk was right around the corner from our office.
That night at home I confided everything to my husband because I was very upset and did not know what to do. I needed my job and my mentor was one of the top employees of the company and adored by our IBM customers. I was afraid to come forward fearing nobody would believe my accusations and he made sure to let me know that nobody would. So, I endured a year of this sick, sick behavior all the while threatening him every time he touched me.
When I finally came to my senses and had my first meeting with Human Resources I was told that he was a model employee who never took a sick day, was very well like by our IBM customer, and that it was very hard to believe my story. When I told them that I was constantly shoving him off of me in my own office I was told that he did not appear to have any physical signs of me doing that. I let them know that if kneeing him in the balls or punching him in the face was how I should have handled it then I was sure as hell sorry I had not handled it that way and left him some scars.
Reluctantly, Human Resources took my complaint and called him in to discuss it with him and they also insisted I be in the meeting as the accuser. I had a lot of stomach problems during this time of my life and this was the catalyst for them. He, of course, adamantly denied every issue of my complaint and the matter was closed, and no charges were recorded, because they believed him and not me. Their point was enforced with "his wife works here, why would he do these things"? I was in a nightmare that I could not wake up from.
Instead of halting his behavior he took this as a challenge and became more aggressive and more frequent with his sickness. I would cry a lot at home at night, so confused and lost, not knowing how to get myself out of this horrible situation of which I was an unwilling party. My husband wanted me to, but quitting my job was not an option, I needed to remain gainfully employed to care for my sons.
I was in the break room at work one day when a woman came in and she was visibly upset. She volunteered that there was a man at work who had been sexually harassing her for a few months and she did not know what to do about the unwanted attention. I was in shock!!! I let her relieve her burden onto me as she shared with me similar stories of his behavior. When she finished, I shared with her my year long tale of torture and we just sat there looking at each other in puzzlement.
I pleaded with her to take her story to Human Resources so that they would know I was telling the truth about this monster of a man. She was not ready and I was saddened by her decision. Like me, she had a child to support, she was a single mother and could not afford to lose her job. What a terrible world to live in to have no options and feel painted into a corner. I had no choice but to respect her need for privacy and let her contemplate a next step. Meanwhile, his attention was still being afflicted upon me, however, not as frequently and I suspected now I knew why.
A couple of weeks went by when the "other woman" came to me in tears; she was ready to go to Human Resources and tell her story. Can you imagine how this went? I was not in the meeting with them but at first they asked her if she was in collusion with me on the matter!!! Excuse me, what the heck? Can you guess at this point that the Human Resources Representative is a man? Yes, yes, that is a sexist comment on my behalf but it was appalling that he did not believe either one of us at our word. At this point we are wondering if we are the only two or if more women were silently being held hostage in this nightmare.
We insisted on a formal meeting with the man we were accusing and at least two Human Resource Representatives to file formal charges; no formal charges had been ever filed up to this point. The man denied all accusations at first and then decided to change his story such that it was we two women who were coming on to him and that we both wanted the attention. I think the new representative could see that the man was lying, thank goodness. We were dismissed from the meeting so that the matter could be handled with an appropriate punishment.
The next day at work rumors ran rampant that one of the best employees had been walked out the day before and was carrying his belongings. His wife was crying at her desk and she gave me an evil stare when I walked by; okay, the story was out and now it was time to hold up my head and carry on. The customer was notified that he had been let go and that I had been promoted up to his position. Wait, what? There were lots of whispers and not-so-silent talking behind my back that I had him fired so that I could have his job. I believe his wife was the catalyst of this really harmful rumor but I could not be certain. I knew the truth and that was all that mattered.
I arranged a meeting with my customer at IBM, she was a very professional, intelligent woman with whom I had enjoyed working with very much. There were tears, and frank talk of what I had been through, and she believed me! Together we managed to persevere through all of the muck that had been circulated from within and from that point forward my work days were finally free from my long torment. I learned so much more at work as my brain could be free from the ancillary issues that had no business ever taking up space in the first place. The "other woman" was also thriving at work as she enjoyed days free from sexual harassment.
In 1986 we received news that the IBM was being closed and all employees and contractors had the option of moving to Boulder, Colorado with their jobs or staying in California without their jobs. It was a big decision for everyone and also an exciting adventure to consider. About 200 of the 400 people affected took the offer and relocated to Colorado, me included. To this day I have no idea where my "mentor" and his wife ended up, nor do I care.
In the early 1990's I learned the martial arts of Jiu Jitsu, obtained a second degree brown belt, and even taught classes at our local YMCA. I still have small quirks that remain from my experience; I am not comfortable when people stand too close to me in the grocery store or any kind of line and I have a tendency to keep an eye on my every surrounding. That is okay, though, I am confident that nobody will ever lay an unwanted hand on me without regretting it or having some pain or bruises.
Is that too extreme? I think not.
As always thank you for reading.
Grandma P
