An accident, a death, a random bill, a few well-intended Christmas cards, a 60th birthday. These are some of the things that snuck up on me this year.
The year 2017 started out pretty calm, no football Super Bowl team anxieties like the previous year, the weather was tolerable here in Colorado compared to other states, and my family had no health issues. Dad was awaiting the birth of his 11th great-grandchild and I was still loving my days as a caregiver for him and our grandson Ellis.
Ellis was almost a year and a half and changing so much every day. Dad and I loved our time with him and I think Ellis enjoyed all that he was learning from us two old folks. We were all very fortunate to have that precious time together; I did not know my great-grandparents but Ellis will have lasting memories despite his young age.
Dad had turned 85 in September of 2016 and for his age he really was doing well. He had decided to stop going to doctor’s appointments and was going to just stop taking his heart meds and let nature take him when it was time. I was aware of his thought process, I knew that he was ready to be with mom, his brother, and his parents, but I really did not condone it. He was tired of everything that was happening to him with regard to getting old and I would often walk by his room and find him staring out the window or reading a book of daily quotes that I had given him. He watched a lot of news and sports but had lost his enthusiasm for both. The highlight of his life had become the nine to ten hours a day that he was able to spend with a sweet little boy from the time he was 2 months old. I was blessed to be a witness to this time in my dad’s life and captured a lot of it on film and video.
My cousin Cindy, her daughter Amanda, her son Jacob, and her grandson Jackson visited dad for his birthday that year. It was a short visit but one that I am certain they will always remember and never regret. We did some sightseeing around Colorado, had a birthday party, and really enjoyed the family time with loved ones who live too far away.
Dad’s new great-grandson, Lucas, was born in January of 2017 and he was tickled with this new arrival. He knew how fortunate he was to be around to know great-grandchildren but felt his health was not such that he could travel to visit in California. In light of this, my brother, his daughter, and her two sons (the one being the newest great-grandson) announced a planned trip to visit dad in April. Their trip was a long drive from where they lived and they braved some cold and snowy Colorado weather over and through the mountains to come and visit dad, grandpa, and great-grandpa. Dad was pretty thrilled with the notion of them coming and started cleaning his room about a month before their arrival date. He was really sweet to watch. He also went through his collections of trinkets and knick-knacks to see if there was anything to send home with all of them.
In March dad came to me with a distressful dream that he had experienced. In this dream he had passed away and left me unprepared; it really was weighing heavy on his mind. I was his power of attorney for all matters and I took his distress seriously. I took action to have someone come to our house to do pre-planning for when it was time for him to pass on. It was a surreal experience to sit and help him make the decisions of cremation, military service, select the urn, and arrange the payments. Mom had been cremated after her passing in April of 2013 and her urn was a fixture in dad’s bedroom. We planned to have her urn placed with his when the time came so they would lay to rest together. The planning was done and he felt relieved. I, however, had some anxiety at the thought of him passing but filed the paperwork in the safe where all of his other pertinent data is stored.
The April weekend that my brother and his family traveled, dad kept a close eye on the weather forecast in anticipation of them driving through the snow and ice conditions. He had his travel atlas out on his bed and kept an eye on their progress, he was adorable with anticipation. They arrived the evening of Sunday, April 9th and dad was a happy man. It had been tough for him to be so far away from half of his family but alas they were here and I could see what good medicine it was for him.
This is the week in 2017 that snuck up on me the worst. I was enjoying seeing my brother Steve and niece Kari whom I had not seen since my mom’s funeral in 2013; I had never met either of my “nephews”, Kaleb and Lucas, even though the oldest one was 10 years old. We took lots of pictures of the gathering. We had breakfast out on Monday April 10th, took them by dad’s favorite coin shop where they purchased some fun souvenirs, then went down to Denver to the stadium where the Bronco’s play. My dad and brother were big Bronco fans, my niece and her 10 year old not so much. It was a beautiful sunny morning for the drive and we shared good conversation.
On Tuesday April 11th, we again went out to breakfast and this time we also had Ellis with us. The meal was enjoyable and fun to watch Kaleb and Ellis get to know each other. The weather was lovely so we dragged everyone to the Denver Zoo. Dad used an electric cart, Ellis and Lucas had their strollers, and we spent a good half day walking and getting some great pictures of our family. We were certainly tired but spent the evening back at our house relaxing. Dad showed them our coin collection and I knew he really loved doing that, it was his one real passion that we shared. I could tell he was exhausted and he went to bed early even for him.
Wednesday April 12th was the day that changed my life. I am not taking anything away from anyone else as to how it changed theirs but I am writing this from my own perspective. Everyone who comes to Colorado likes to visit the mountains and Estes Park has always been one of my favorite places. My husband and I stayed there at a bed and breakfast for our wedding night back in 1998 so it has always held a special place in my heart.
We had another fun breakfast that morning and decided that a tour of Estes Park was on the agenda for that day. Layers of clothing, kids, cameras, and bottles of water in tow we headed up the canyon for another day of touring Colorado. The mountains are a familiar drive to my vehicle and they welcomed us with beautiful sunshine, flowing creek rapids, and ample photo opportunities. We took advantage of the numerous pull-offs provided for viewing the spectacular valley below and the mighty mountain ranges in the distance. Dad, my brother, niece, and her oldest son got out of the car at many of the stops while Ellis and I stayed inside the car. Truth be told, there were too many places for him to run around and possibly fall and get hurt, I was being over cautious.
We saw a herd of elk, which is not at all uncommon for Estes Park, lots of other tourists, a few patches of snow, and breathed in tons of fresh air. It was a lovely day. The National Park has a visitor center at each entrance so after a long day of being cooped up in the car we decided to stop, stretch, change baby diapers, and look for souvenirs. It was at this last stop that dad slipped, fell, and had the accident that would take his life less than two days later. I had been over cautious with the wrong loved one. It snuck up on me when I least expected it and my world was turned upside down in an instant.
So much blood, panic, people, confusion, self-blame, and instant change. I had to become the medical power of attorney that I had always been deemed in a split second. I always imagined it would require me having to make a decision for him after a long illness, many years down the road from 2017. Instead, I had to grab his wallet, get his personal data out and begin a nightmare that lasted through two hospitals, two ambulance rides, and less than two full days.
At 4:25 a.m. on Friday, April 14th I received the call that dad had passed away. His heart was not strong enough for the amount of injury and pain that his body was attempting to endure. He let go, left me, and went to be with mom, his brother, and his parents. My husband took me on the very long (20 minute) drive up to the hospital so I could sign the necessary paperwork, say goodbye to him, and acknowledge the well-meaning doctors and nurses giving me the sorrowful look as I walked past them. Back at home I was faced with pulling the paperwork out of the safe just one month after dad had his dream. It snuck up on me.
After two months of planning and organizing dad was laid to rest along with mom on what would have been their 64th wedding anniversary. The service was more beautiful and sad than I ever imagined; the party afterward was lovely and fun and life moved on.
The summer of 2017 progressed with changes to my life and every day situation. I went from being a caregiver to dad and Ellis to just having Ellis a couple of days a week. His other grandparents were in Colorado for the summer and they watched him three days a week. I am sure they all had a wonderful time together as we did. He is so much fun and teaches us a lot!
On occasion, more than ever expected, a hospital bill would arrive with dad’s name on it. During a time when I was trying to heal my broken heart and learn how to move on I would have to call and discuss the fact that he would not be paying the bill because he had passed away in their hospital. A dentist appointment reminder arrived more than once even though I had already made that painful phone call. A reminder for an annual checkup at his ear, nose, and throat doctor forced me to make yet another call. These things all snuck up on me in random spacing just to keep that wound open for me.
September, dad’s birthday. This did not sneak up on me as I had spent time thinking on what would have been number 86 for him. It was a silent observance, one of many to face in my future.
Thanksgiving was on the horizon and I did not have the energy or desire to plan a gathering so we took a road trip to visit family in Kansas. It was a good week and I had a few occasions of missing my dad. I have been told by many people that “it gets easier” so I imagine that someday it might.
I knew the month of December would be a challenge for me with Christmas and my 60th birthday in the same week. I truly thought dad would be here for my birthday, a really special one. I had a long month to put that into perspective and really did my best with the help of my husband, one of my sons, and his wife. In early December Christmas cards started to arrive and the first one was addressed to dad. It was from someone who was in his address book but did not have a phone number so I had been unable to let them know of his passing. I was not thinking that I was going to have to give such sad news to his friends, old work acquaintances, previous neighbors, or anyone during the holiday season. I thought that pain was put aside. I ended up having to write to three people that I did not know; this snuck up on me.
Last, but not least, my 60th birthday. It falls in that dead space between Christmas and New Year’s. The days where everyone is taking down their decorations, cleaning their houses, and checking their finances to see the damage. My birthday is three days after and three days before these two occasions. Nobody really wants to get together because they just saw you for Christmas (and more often than not try to give me my present then) or they are back to work and moving on from the holiday. I have one dear friend of over 40 years that sends me my present in early December. It is so exciting when it arrives but I have disciplined myself to set it aside to open on my birthday and not before. It sits either under the Christmas tree in obvious birthday wrapping or in my bedroom for me to see for weeks. In the past, dad would make such a fuss over my birthday because he knew I had a silly complex about its proximity to Christmas. He spoiled me terribly and I took it for granted every year. I would not have his birthday hugs, sweet smile, or birthday song this year or ever again. Even though I knew this was coming it snuck up on me.
His presence is all around me in photos, clothes, knick-knacks, children, and grandchildren. I am now three days into my 60’s. My hair is gray and long and I look the part of the grandmother of 10 that I am and the daughter that has had a rough year. It is New Year’s Eve, and I am just hoping that 2018 will be one of good health and lots of fun in this new decade of my life. I might trim my hair but I have earned every gray strand on my head.
There are certain things that I cannot do at this moment and am not sure that I ever will be able to do. I get choked up when we drive by the hospital that dad passed away in, Medical Center of the Rockies. Anyone visiting us should not expect to be taken by me to Estes Park, or to visit the Rocky Mountain National Park. My love for the town and the park is forever bruised like a bad marriage and I am not sure that we will ever reconcile. Like a surprise divorce, sadly, this snuck up on me.
My family and true friends have overwhelmed me with their emotional support this year and I am very grateful for the patience everyone has had with my mourning period. I do appreciate the kind words, cards, and compassion shown for my loss. I am forever a different woman in more ways than one this year. My husband and I don’t take any days for granted and I am thankful for every minute that I get to spend with loved ones. It is old advice but you truly need to open your eyes and enjoy what you have at this very moment. Live life with no regrets, try to adjust for the things that sneak up on you, and embrace your age.
As always, thank you for reading my blog.
Grandma P
